First Writing Part 1. Two Samples.

Two First Formal Letters.

Take a look at these two letters answering the same Part 1 question. Decide which you think is better and why. You'll find corrections underneath. 

Letter 1

Dear Sir or Madam,
I am writing to apply to the [m1] Adrenalin Adventure whichü I have seen the advertisement in a magazine. I am thinking in[m2]  the possibility of surfing or horse-riding. Could it be possible?

 We are a group of seven[m3] . We would like to know ifü |+| is possible to sleep in single rooms, just becauseü |+| is not very confortable[m4]  to share the room with other people. Could you search if there are places avaliable on 12-13 august[m5] ?

I would be grateful if you could tell me ifü the prize [m6] includes meals and hire of equipment[m7] ? We are also worried about the lower age limit since I have a friend who is only 17. Could he come?
I look forward to hearing from you[m8]  ü.
Yours faithfully,

Elizabeth Mark.

You need to add a bit more interest in the language to convince that it deserves the higher mark.

Letter 2

Dear sir/ madam

I am writing to enquire about the üadvertisement I have seen in a magazine. I was consideringü some options to spend an amusing weekend  with my friends and I think the Adrenalin Adventure is the best one.

With regards to our permanence[m9]  there I was wondering if you have single rooms instead of the wooden lodges[m10]  .

Moreoverü we are interested in surfing and mountain-biking since the weather is suposed to be nice those days. Could you clarify if the price includes meals and neccesary equipment such as waterproof swimsuits, surfboards, bicycles, tyres among othersü.

There are seven of usü and we would like to go on 12-13 August. I would be grateful if you could confirm there will be places availableü.

According to the age there [m11] is no problem except for one person. Would be accepted not to be grown up?

It would be appreciated [m12] if you could address these queries as soon as  possible to[m13]  reachü a final decition[m14] . Thank you a lot for your time. I am looking forward to hearing from youü again[m15] .

Yours faithfully.

Alan Partridge.

Good work!

 [m1]I think you’re enquiring for a trip, not applyiong for a job


 [m3]There are..




 [m7]Such as….?

 [m8]And hope you can answer….

 [m9]Good try, but not really english

 [m10]A because  might be good here

 [m11]Regarding not according I think

 [m12]I would appreciate it would be better

 [m13]So we can